Princess America
by redkittychan
Summary: The MAJESTIC tale of PRINCESS America! The SUPER FABULOUS? princess!
1. Poland starts

This is crack. It is super crack. It is crack cause there is Princess America and Poland and a ton of other stuff. I enjoyed writing this a ton, I hope everyone enjoys reading it.

Also I will beg for comments and reviews, because this is my first time writing anything that is more than a single chapter. Please support me! 3

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The morning was super beautiful. The sun was super sparkly, the flowers were perky and singing, and hundreds of soldiers were dying outside the white washed walls of the Kingdom of Those Guys and the Principalities of Not North America so Whatever. The Kingdom of Those Guys was ruled by a pervy King named Francis, and monster browed Queen (seriously he like totally needs to get those things plucked. Totally uncute!) But most importantly there was a super, cute princess who was the most uncool manners ever but like whatever. But anyway, this super cute princess was just now waking up from like sleeping.

The cute princess woke up from in a like totally awesome sleep. Her lush lashes fluttered against her cheeks (but they could totally use some glittery mascara. I found like this perfect color the other day when I was out with Toris.) But like anyway, the little princess opened her adorable baby blues and sat up stretching just as her like totally less cute chambermaid came in.

So like the chambermaid had like zero fashion sense. Wearing like baby flush pink with rose pink? Like really, didn't anyone teach him how to like not clash, seriously? But whatever, she had on this like super fashionable knee-length dress. It had those baby flush pink cuffs and collar, but like the apron and she was wearing with it totally clashed! It's like really upsetting! At least the ribbon tied around her neck matched the cuffs. She also had on these super sexy black, heeled boots that disappeared under her skirt. (They were totally fabulous! I wonder where she got them? I have this great outfit that would look like perfect with them.)

So the fashionably dense chambermaid walked in to the princess's room and flushed because the like totally cute princess was totally like not wearing her nightclothes. She like managed to take off her adorable robin's egg blue nightdress. It had this super cute lacing around the collar, sleeves, and bottom. It was like such a waste. And now the style challenged chambermaid was sporting a flush that really clashed with her outfit. Which is totally understandable because the princess has really nice abs that had sheets like pooling just under them and even though she has like no chest for filling out the more seasonal dresses this year, she does have a like fabulous chest. It's super toned from like all the exercising the super cute princess did, but it was kinda manly honestly, but whatever. The chambermaid was blushing and the princess was like totally indecent.

"Hey Mattie." The totally fabulous princess yawned at her servant.

"Y-y-y-your majesty! W-what happened to your clothes?" The pink disaster of a woman stuttered at the nude princess, who rolled her eyes in return.

"Gosh Mattie it's not like I ever wear those stupid dress things. Really you should be over it after like our whole lives." The princess pushed off the fabulous silk sheets and slid from the like totally awesome bed. The maid's blush didn't like waver at all when she saw that her charge didn't manage to take off her super frilly bloomers during the light. But like seriously, this princess had fabulous legs and without anything covering them the servant got like a fabulous view of them.

"Your majesty… please my name is Canada…"

"Mattie I've known you since we were in the womb! I think I can call you Mattie. And you can call me Alfred right? I mean were practically brothers." The totally delusional princess said to the like pink monster chambermaid. She walked over to her like totally fabulous closet and started shifting through the most adorable and fashionable outfits like EVER! But she like totally didn't appreciate them at all! And she kept getting like the worse wrinkles as she scrunched up he brows. "Darn it! Why don't I have any real clothes?"

The pink disaster just sighed, cause like, she had totally heard this a ton of times already. "America…" She like only conceded. "How can we be brothers when we are both girls?" The chambermaid went over to the closet and started picking out clothes, because like she might not be able to dress herself but she is really good at making the pretty, pretty princess look like totally pretty.

Canada took the like still mostly naked princess from her like totally underappreciated closet and stood her in front of a mirror. She rested the chosen outfit over the chair of this adorable vanity, with some like really pretty make up on it. The chambermaid turned back to the princess who was like totally pouting in the cutest way ever. Her lower lip was sticking out just like perfectly and her eyes had gone all sparkly. "That is not going to work on me, America."

"We do this everyday Mattie, can't I just wear pants once? Please? Pretty please, with rainbow sprinkles and maple syrup on top?"

"No."

That lower lip jutted out just the tiniest bit more and any other like fashionista would have totally caved. But the maid was like not one so she didn't.

The fashion victim handed the totally adorable princess another pair of bloomers, this time white, but no like less frilly or adorable. But the like totally adorable princess like totally didn't take them. She just stared at the proffered item though and then like started whining, "Mattie. Can't I wear real underwear, not the girly stuff?"

"These are real underwear America. You are a girl, it is only appropriate for you to wear them." The like color blind chambermaid pushed the super cute panties into the princess's chest.

"But I'm NOT a GIRL!" The princess like totally insisted. "I have a PENIS!"

But Canada just like stared because she had like totally heard this before. "We've been over this before America. You are a princess how could you have a…" The servant totally started blushing again and like coughed a bit. "A dong? You are not having another delusion again are you? Should I tell your mother and send for Doctor Cuba again?"

The fabulous princess like totally blanched at the memory of that psycho doctor. "Fine! I'll put on the stupid panties." The pretty princess took them and stomped off behind a folding screen and changed into the super cute panties. When she came back, the maid had a corset in hand. "No. No way! I got the stupid underwear on, I'm not wearing a corset too…" The princess cowered behind the screen.

"You majesty." The clashing monster said in this like super sweet voice that was vaguely terrifying because she was like smiling in the creepiest way, well not as creepy as like Russia but still pretty creepy. So like the princess actually had a good reason to be afraid because the chambermaid had pulled out this long leather whip thing that totally did not accessorize well. "Please do not make me hurt you, eh?"

"M-mattie. N-n-now really. There's no reason for t-that is there?" The totally adorable and still indecent princess stuttered out, because like that servant is scary with a whip! The princess had like the mental scars to prove it.

"You are correct your highness. So just let me help you into your corset." The creepy maid like started towards the princess holding the like actually really fabulous corset in one hand; it had these cute little bows on it and this white boning in it, and it was all lacey with this pretty pink ribbon in the back to tie it closed. But like anyway in the other hand she had her really long whip and it was like dragging on the floor as she approached.

"NO WAY! I'm tired of wearing all those girly things! I'm a MAN!" The princess tried to take cover behind the screen but like the maid wouldn't have like any of that. So she totally shoved the folding screen closed and then like the princess let out this adorable little "EEP!" kinda like puppies when you tickle their bellies. But like anyway the maid totally pounced on the princess and tied her hands together over her head with that like horrible whip.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO" The princess totally screamed as the color challenged servant managed to wrestle her to the ground and force her into the like totally figure flattering corset. The maid was like kinda sitting on the princess's hips to keep her from flailing her legs as she tied the ribbon closed, but like by now the princess was mostly still but kept making these little whimpers every so often. But the fashion disaster just ignored the adorable little sounds and picked the princess back up once the thing was in place. She started pulling the dress over the like nonresponsive princess's head and combed her hair out a bit to make it do this adorable flippy thing at the end. Once the maid was done making the princess totally fabulous, she stepped back to observe her like amazing job. (Too bad she couldn't do the same thing for herself right?)

Now that the princess looked totally fabulous, she stopped whining because she totally knew there was no way she was gonna get out of her totally stylish dress, which was the cutest shade of blue that just made her eyes like totally sparkle. If they added just a tiny bit of glittery mascara and she would have totally look her absolute best, but anyway now she stopped whimpering and like totally messed up her fabulous hair by ruffling it with her hand making this crazy cowlick in the front. The fashionably challenged maid just sighed at the princess because usually getting the princess dressed was a lot more violent, the princess must still be really tired or something. "It's time for breakfast, you should hurry or the Queen will scold you again."

The princess just sniffed a couple times before heading out the door and towards the dining hall, her fabulous stilettos clicking against the castle's tiled floors.

*****

"Okay so it's like totally your turn Cuba." The super fabulous nation of Poland said, having finished his part of their silly chain story.

The Caribbean nation blinked up from his carton of pina colada ice cream. The spoon between his lips disappeared back into the carton and reappeared with a scoop of the frozen treat. "Why do I have to go next?"

The sparkly nation sighed, "Because like you got the next smallest stick right? That means it's your turn now."

"I don't understand how telling this story is getting back at America bastard for not inviting us to his party." The pineapple-shirt wearing nation commented.

"Just tell the story Cuba. Maybe then Poland will let us return to our homes." Switzerland polished his lethal STG 90. His sister, sitting on the same log beside him, just nodded and whispered something that could have been "Brother."

"Yeah, like totally get on with it." The super fabulous nation wrapped his arms around Lithuania's arm and rested his head against his shoulder, inhibiting the easygoing nation's s'more creating only the tiniest bit.

The Caribbean nation sighed and, taking another bite of his tropical treat, started.

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So what did you think? Comment below please~ 3


	2. Cuba's turn

It took me a while, but my muse has kinda been running all over the place lately. Forgive me! I'm not sure when the next installment will be ready (probably after my muse gets back to me). Please enjoy the next chapter of Princess America!

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So the bastard American was—

*****

A forced and unnatural cough interupted Cuba, followed by a punctual glare.

*****

Uh... so the bastard American princess was walking towards the dining hall to go get breakfast with her madre and padre, Queen England and King France. When she got there, the table was set with food, so she went to sit at the table. Everyone was eating and it was all bueno.

They ate in silence, and then everyone left.

*****

The other nations all stared at Cuba as he finished his carton of sugary delight. There was a rather awkward silence, with the exception of some frogs or crickets or something that were doing froggy and crickety things off somewhere in the wide, wild natureness.

"Well that was an interesting story. Let's go Liechtenstein." The short Swiss boy went to take his adorable sister away from the stupid camp out thing, but was stopped by a complaint.

"That's like totally lame!" The super fabulous Poland exclaimed. "It's like not even a real story! Here I'll like help you along cause you like totally suck at telling stories Cuba." So with his gracious offer the super sparkly pink nation started again.

*****

So the super fabulous princess like made it to the dining hall, which was like really big. It had this totally amazing table stretching from one side of the room to like almost the door that the pretty princess was standing just inside of now. The table was like covered with this really gorgeous white linen tablecloth that had the like seal of the Kingdom of Those Guys embroidered into the edges so it hung from the table like really fabulously. They had these like super delicate china sets for guests, but there was like only the king, queen and a couple of servants in the room, but, like, whatever.

The princess had to make the, like, really long walk to the head of the table where the like king and queen were sitting, which was like really hard for her cause she totally did NOT work those heels she was in, but, like, whatever. So, when the princess finally like got there, the super fabulously dressed king greeted her.

"Ma petite princesse, you look beautiful! Come here and give papa a kiss." But like the perverted king said it in like this really creepy French voice that totally like made the princess's super smooth (thanks to like this amazing moisturizer) skin crawl.

"Uh… no that's okay." She declined the super sketchy invitation and sat down at the table. "And I'm not a princess! I'm a man." The like super cute princess totally denied, but it was like totally an afterthought, which everyone just like rolled their eyes at anyway.

This like really cute waiter came over while the princess was like totally denying her royal adorability, and stated serving the princess her like usual breakfast platter of like sunny side up eggs, French toast, the like most amazing pancakes with like totally legit maple syrup, bacon, ham, some like toast with pink strawberry jam, sausage links and patties, and like a glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee.

"Thanks Mattie." The princess said to the super adorable waiter, who was like totally fashionable, before she started digging into the plate. The super cute waiter was wearing this white dress shirt under his high point solid black vest, which he like totally accessorized with this like three button jacket with a solid red silk tie along with black slacks and like classic oxfords. He was like totally well put together even though his hair was a little messed up, with like this one really long hair curling out but like whatever.

So like I totally said before, this princess had like the worse manners ever and she like totally started flinging food everywhere as she ate and it was totally gross! Everyone in the room just like stopped and stared at the disgusting display, still like totally grossed out after all the years of living with the like totally uncouth princess. The smartly dressed waiter just like nodded and backed away after he like finally got his stomach to settle.

The creepo king who was like totally looking green at the face like gulped and tried to address his like totally fashionable but like totally pigging out daughter. "Ma fille, mama and I were talking." At this point his like facially haired wife interjected something about not being a mama, but he like totally ignored that. "We think it is time that you found a man to take care of you."

At this the fork and knife that the glutton princess had been using to like _shovel_ food into her mouth dropped to the table creating like this super dramatic silence (that like most of the room used to thank the heavens and like stop their stomachs from lurching).

"WHAT!?" The like princess exclaimed as the like totally stylish waiter like snuck her plate away (it was mostly empty by this point anyway) and like saved everyone from watching the princess eat again at least until like lunch.

The pervo king had like totally been expecting this and his like monster-browed queen just like sighed. The queen, who had like obviously never heard of tweezers before, addressed her like shell-shocked daughter, "You git! You need to get yourself a man. And we have decided on a couple of applicants for you to choose from." The queen like totally started sipping her like tea.

"No way! I'm not getting married to some random dude! I can't! I'm a guy, remember?"

"Mon chéri don't you think it is time to stop these silly games? You are a princess, and it is time you found yourself a man." The creepy pervert king like told his like frowning daughter. "And do not frown, you will get wrinkles like your mama."

At that the like creeper had to dodge the teacup that the like forehead-hair challenged queen threw at him. "I don't have wrinkles! And I'm NOT A MAMA!!!"

"Oh but mon amour you are the mama and I am the papa, and together we make beautiful children." The creepy French king started doing like really gross gropy hands at the royal eyebrow beast, who was like trying to fend off his perviness.

While the two creepy royals were like being creepy with each other in their own special way because you like totally know those two are totally into each other. The like totally adorable princess realized that like the awesomely fashionable and totally hot waiter had taken her plate away. So, like without food to keep her there the princess like left.

As she was like clicking down the hallways she heard like the most uncute noise every, like the sound of a dog barking. She like turned towards the sound, her super cute dress that like totally made her hips look fabulous twirling around her, and she like saw this like annoying little mutt running towards her and the like palace gardener chasing after it. "Hey Mattie."

The like totally plain Jane gardener stopped like right in front of her, he like totally had too or he would have like run into her. "Ah, Hello Miss America." The totally boring gardener greeted her as he watched the annoying dog run off like down some random hallway. "How are you today?"

The princess let out this like totally overdramatic sigh then looking up from beneath her long lashes (that would have totally looked perfect if only she had this bit of glittery mascara) and said, "Mkay."

But like after such an amazingly overdone sigh, the gardener might have had like an inkling that the princess wasn't just "mkay" (especially without any mascara on). "Is that so? Are you sure everything is alright miss?" The dirt-covered man asked (more like was totally threatened into asking by the like look the princess was totally shooting at him).

"Yeah…" The princess said, and the bland gardener nodded and tried to turn away to chase after the dog. "It's just!" The blue ball of cute exclaimed prohibiting the boring gardener from getting along with his like totally boring job. "I'm a MAN! And no one seems to get it!"

At this the like totally bland gardener got like a bit more interesting from like the bight blush that bloomed across his cheeks and like stretched across his nose. "I-is that so miss." Was the only thing he could say in reply, cause like he had totally heard about the princess's like super weird gender confusion but he had like never been confronted with it before.

"Yeah! I mean like I have had biology lesson before. They explain it all! Girls have vaginas and uteruses and stuff and guys have penises. The stupid books are even in the library! And I go to the bathroom everyday, so I am pretty darn sure I have a penis and I'm pretty darn sure that means I'm a dude! But everyone else is like 'Ha ha ha! Silly America! You're a princess you obviously cannot be a man!' But they're like the ones who decided I was a princess and therefore a girl and it doesn't make SENSE! I mean don't they CHECK that when you're born? Isn't it kinda obvious? Hey this baby has a penis! He must be a boy! Let's not dress him up and weird girly clothes and try and marry him off to some other dude that also HAS A PENIS!" The adorable princess was like panting after her like totally overdramatic tirade to the dull gardener, who like totally wasn't thinking sexual things as he watched the sexy—beautiful princess catch her breath.

"Um I'm sorry you feel that way, Miss America. Um…" The uninspired plant lover like offered, which just like totally enraged the princess and she like went storming off towards the stables, leaving the like plant-freak to go find that stupid dog. "Where did you go Sealand?," He shouted and went the direction he'd seen the beast run.

*****

"Hey! Wait a minute! Why am I the dog?" The short non-nation whined.

"Because your like totally annoying and like uncute." The pink narrator replied then continued the story that he was somehow getting immersed in (actually all the nations were getting into it, but more then half of them would never admit it).

*****

So like, the princess was storming off the stables where the kept like tons of adorable ponies! The ponies were all super cute and had like flowers in their mains and like braids and were all super adorable. The princess got there and like frowned at the ponies fashionableness, because she has like no appreciation for aesthetics. "Mattie you here?" she shouted into the rows of ponies.

"Hey there your majesty," A stable boy greeted from outside of the wooden building the princess was like currently ruining her shoes in.

"Mattie!" The adorable royal greeted him quite happily. "What've you been up to?"

"The usual." The he replied as he shifted the like pails of water in his hands, "Taking care of the horses mostly. Beast has been anxious for you, he missed you I think." The boy set the like water down. He looked like an average stable hand who was like totally nondescript and not very interesting, he wore like a white long-sleeved shirt, which had like sweat stains (gross! Antiperspirant please!) and the sleeves pushes up past his elbows. A pair of worn brown pants and like some totally unfashionable boots, and his hair was all over the place but like this really pretty shade of yellow that was really shiny in the sun.

The princess like went further into the stable and found her like pony, Beast. "Aw, did you miss me boy? I'm sorry I had to deal with stupid people all day and didn't get to see you." She cooed at the like totally gorgeous house and started taking out the like super fabulous braids and stuff. "I guess I'll just have to be real good to you today, huh?"

The princess patted the like totally majestic houses nose once and backed away from the stall. "I'm gonna take Beast out," she hollered back to the stable boy, who had been exchanging the water for the horse.

"Okay! I'll get him ready for you, should I call for Canada?" he asked.

"Yeah! I feel like going _out _today," was her reply as she entered the last stall in the house. It had this like flimsy curtain hanging there and was used as like a changing room for anyone who came to the stables regularly. Laying over the wall was a white shirt, black vest, black dress pants, and pair of dark pants with mud stains on the knees, and shirt that had a hole in it that could have been from where a like thorn or something caught it, and a couple of other outfits, but like most importantly there was a pair of female riding pants and a solid blue dress shirt. The princess pulled her like totally fabulous dress over her head and tossed it to the floor, like totally making fashionistas everywhere morn. She like didn't even bother trying to get the white corset off because experience had told her that Mattie could tie like the most amazing knots ever and she could hardly reach them without dislocating her shoulder. She pulled on her like totally unfabulous outfit and grabbed a pair of boots from the back corner, and left the stall.

She walked like barefoot (gross!) to the like entrance of the horse housing and like past Beast's empty stall. When she got there it was Beast was standing outside nibbling some like grass and Canada was standing beside him, adjusting the like saddle and stirrup straps. "Your majesty." The squire greeted him. He was wearing like this totally horrible outfit but it had like armor and stuff on it, which made sense for like what they were going to be doing.

"Hey Mattie! Ready to kick ass?" The princess asked her attendant, as she walked up to Beast, patting his mane again and cooing sweet things to him about like how he was the prettiest pony in all of the Kingdom of Those Guys and the Principalities of Not North America so Whatever.

"Only if you are going to put your armor on, you Majesty." The squire handed a like breast plate and sword to the princess, who just like sighed and started putting them on. Even _she_ wasn't stupid enough to go out without protection. Once she was like situated she mounted Beast and started towards the gates of the castle.

"Well come on Mattie. Let's go kick ass!" To which the squire like only sighed and started after the weird princess.

*****

"Okay, like _that's_ how you do it." The super sparkly nation concluded.

All the other nations shifted in their seats a bit, because despite what Poland said his story was actually kinda interesting.

"I still don't get why I have to be the dog!" Sealand whined and nibbled on the s'more that Lithuania offered to him.

"Like it doesn't matter, you're the dog." Poland replied. "Now its like totally your turn Toris!" The super sparkle nation sparkled all over Lithuania, who just chuckled slightly uncomfortable, because really who could stand that much sparkle?

He cleared his throat, "Well then…"

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Phew~ Glad that is done. It's Lithuania's turn next, and ideas what his portion is going to be about?

As always comments, critiques, and reviews are appreciated. Thank you~!


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